Yes, they are here and then, they are there and kill-me-now they are everywhere! Yes, I am talking of those annoying couples who have made your social media feed one giant stinking dumpster that makes you puke a little in your mouth as you scroll down – or those who insist really hard for you to listen to every teeny-tiny detail of their fight so you can act whistle-blower but when things calm down, insist harder that you forget there was any trouble at all – or even those who refer to themselves as ‘we’ all the friggin’ time!
Damn, the clan of annoying couples– if somebody, anybody, anybody at all could just tell them they aren’t a singular entity but two abso-f*cking-lutely disappointing people! What? I can dream of a messiah, can’t I?
But until that day arrives, we are taking the ‘judgment’ in our hands and churning out this list of annoying couples (issued in public interest) so you can dodge them, if you can! Unless, of course, you happen to be one of these- in which case…….nope, we’re not even sorry:
1. The ‘shona, baby, babu, jaanu, sweetie..’ couple
From jaanu, baccha, pucchu, shona, baby, cookie, bunny, chikoo to I-don’t-know-what-not, you’ve heard’em all- the verbal diarrhea pathogens! Trust me, if you know any of these people, throw them off a cliff or worse, if you are one of’em- jump yourself and take your jaanu, babu or whatever-the-f*ck you call him in that whiny baby voice with you! Shall save me from the time for the crime!
2. The ‘mommy-daddy’ clone
Yes, there are couples where one person needs to ask permission from the other for everything, yes, everything! Coz you know- how difficult it is to land someone who hasn’t outgrown his diapers but like a well-behaved ‘baby’ shall ask permission for soiling it!
3. The PDA machine
Now you know the kind. These are the people who have ‘get a room’ reminders shooting right across the room- left, right and center- while they are busy doing pretty much everything that’s illegal in public! Could someone tell them to not use the same hand for eating please?
4. The switch
There’s one on-again, off-again couple in every group. Keeping up with their relationship status update is like keeping up with weather reports. Only weather is f*cking science and this couple- God knows! Let’s just say every single time they say ‘we are broken up now, forever’- remember forever could mean a month, a week, a day or even a second!
5. The selfie couple
If selfies weren’t an epidemic already, couples make it fatal. From the morning with ‘honeybee’ selfie to breakfast-in-bed selfie to minute-wise selfies of every f*cking thing they do, they push up one puke-worthy pic after another for the world to get infected!
6. The social media mania couple
Perhaps, this couple didn’t get it right- so here it is- I am spelling it out. Foreplay does not equal tweeting and Facebook-ing. Nope, not even Instagram! So, please stop overloading these sites with your daily mush sagas. The sites are comatose and may just give up!
7. The dirty linen out on Facebook-line couple
These are the anti-kin of those who baby each other on Facebook. These couples fight on Facebook, post personal pics as revenge and even, tag other people to bear witness! Get a grip, people! Seriously!
8. The twins
You know these couples when you sight them. Not only are they the matching-outfit couples but they are also joined at the hip with Fevicol. You will never see one person without the other- they come in one giant globule of mush-goo and shall be together on shopping trips, vacations and even, girls’ night-outs (yeah, go, figure)! My advice – whatever you do, do not let them glue themselves to you!
9. The ‘do you know what happened last night’ couple
This couple gives you all the dirty details- and when I say all- I mean abso-f*cking-lutely ALL! And why wouldn’t they- if they didn’t tell us how the deepthroat was, we’d die of deprivation, shan’t we?
10. The WWE champions
This couple is forever yelling, arguing, swearing at, abusing, screaming or hitting each other! But they aren’t breaking up- not now- not ever- for where would we get all the ‘drama’ otherwise?
11. The ‘we’re not dating’ couple
This is a couple who wears their ‘just friends’ cloak all the time- only we all know what that means!
12. And oh, the ‘perfect’ couple
Yes, the couple who seems to have an amazing relationship and therefore, feel morally obligated to dole out relationship advice at the drop of a hat! Coz honestly, where’d we find all the expertise for free, right?
Trust me, this list could’ve been a lot longer- I mean there are the ones who ditch friends or become blind to everyone around- but let’s just leave it at that. I need to puke and I know you do too!